Retro Review: The original Star Trek movies

22 Mar

So confession time: I have never seen ANY of the original Star Trek movies. I’ve seen TNG movies and the show, and I LOVED Star Trek: Voyager, but these original jobbies have just never happened in my life. That is, until now.

Netflix has ALL the original Star Trek movies, and they’ve been chilling in my instant queue. But. Now. It is time. To watch. … Them.

Kirk. can't believe I. haven't seen. These movies yet.

Kirk. can’t believe I. haven’t seen. These movies yet.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

So this one was pretty good, although I can’t help but giggle at the special effects and computer additions to everything- I know it looked good back then, but it goes to show how far the industry has really come. I also find it hilarious how Chekov sounds like “jackoff” every time he says it. “Jackoff here!” – Sarah dies.

I’ll admit I got a little confused at the end – was the bald celibate misses the ‘entity’ they were inside the entire time? Why’d that dude Decker have to disintegrate? … I should have paid more attention. This might be worth a rewatch to get the facts straight.

edit: I read the plot outline on Wikipedia, and it all makes sense now. I should have not also played LEGO Lord of the Rings while the movie was on. My bad!

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

So Khan is a pretty cool guy. He is my favorite type of villain – the kind with a one track mind that doesn’t lose focus from his evil plan regardless of the cost and sacrifice. I am about 92% certain that he was wearing a fake chest under his little vest thing – it moved weird, and wrinkled as opposed to moved like actual skin. Can you imagine Gerard Butler wearing a chest piece instead of getting ripped/ using CGI? This. Is. SILICONE!

The new movie is coming out soon, and the trailer teases that Khan could maybe be the new villain. That would be interesting! I really enjoyed the 2009 reboot, so I hope the next one is up to the same standard. Also young Kirk = handsomeeee!

the file name for this picture is "Young Punk Kirk" LOL

the file name for this picture is “Young Punk Kirk” LOL

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

I would just like to point out to Netflix that when you put “Spock is dead … or is he” in the preview that means no, he’s not. This is the point where the movies start to go downhill – McCoy has Spock inside of him, and so they need to find his body to get him back into it so McCoy doesn’t go insane, or whatever. The dude from back to the future is a rogue Klingon, who wants something off the planet that Spock is on, and kills Kirk’s son in a standoff.

The sons death scene was SO LAME. I honestly just thought he was stunned or wounded – he just kinda tipped over and grunted. But nope, dead. Something that was so damaging to Kirk, in my opinion, should have had at least a little buildup or fanfare. Terrible.

Oh and P.S. Spock comes back.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

This whole movie is a WTF moment for me – they are taking the train, and timetravelling to the 90’s? UMMMMM WHAT?! I wanted stars in my star trek, and there was none. I really did not pay attention, and from what I read off of Wikipedia after the fact I didn’t really miss much.

And they needed a humpback whale? This is like that episode of South Park where the boys think a whale at the marine park is talking to them and they hire Mexican astronauts to send him back to the moon and his people.

Actually I think that made more sense than Star Trek IV.

Punk from the train. I thought this was the best part - sometimes I want to mind meld idiots in public too.

Punk from the train. I thought this was the best part – sometimes I want to mind meld idiots in public too.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

This movie starts off with a bunch of Klingon interaction, but Netflix didn’t have subtitles, which is lame, because my Klingon is pretty rusty. Although it was a lot better than the last two. Spock’s half brother thinks he has been summoned by God and so goes to meet him, with the Enterprise in pursuit because he stole a ship to get there. The best line from the movie comes from when they are all standing in front of God, when Kirk questions whether they are looking at God for real and McCoy says “Jim – you don’t ask the Almighty for an I.D.”

Which apparently you should, because he wasn’t really God. Spock’s brother sacrifices himself to keep the being from escaping. Crisis averted. I also really enjoyed Uhura’s sexy dance of distraction in the beginning. Awesome.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

So I know I watched this but I remember very little outside the Enterprise firing on a Klingon ship even though they were trying to come to a peace agreement, and Samantha from Sex and the City as a Vulcan looking for moon boots. When she accused the dude with 26 toes of owning the shoes I giggled, and Miss Vulcan had a hard time containing her emotions. Kirk and Spock go to Klingon jail and Kirk has relations with a sexy beast monster shape shifter thing that turns out to betray them but she dies.

She goes from this, to a gross monster, to a little girl. So, there's that.

She goes from this, to a gross monster, to a little girl. So, there’s that.

They then make it to the Klingon place where Warf is a lawyer, except it’s actually his grandfather even though it’s the same guy for sure.  Everything works out in the end. The quality of this movie was more on par with the earlier ones, and a great way to round out the original Star Trek series.

I am now caught up! (un)Fortunately Netflix also has the entire Star Trek: The Next Generation series AND all the movies, so that should keep me busy for a while. I will retro review those too!

Until next time!

CeraTopz (@Cerajoy)

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